La Guera Gordita

I am about to jump off the deep end!

2007-02-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

So last night I decided to indulge in the world's most delicious breakfast burrito. They are my absolute favorite! Full of the works: ham, bacon, eggs, cheese and potatoes. And every delectable bit of it is fried. Well.. except the tortilla, which is at least 20" in diameter. Okay, so I over-indulged. I had accepted it, and moved on. UNTIL THIS MORNING. I got to work this morning and out of pure curiosity, I decided to add up the components of the "burrito of my dreams" to find out it's nutritional info. So I resorted to my trusty "CalorieKing.com" and here's how if all unfolded people: Calories: 1,705/Fat: 105/Carbs: 95.5/Protein: 69.6 POR EL AMOR DE DIOS!!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!! Now the guilt is seriously pouring in. I am thinking about the burrito, I am thinking about my ZERO pound weight loss this week, I am forgeting about the 18 lbs that I have lost since January 2nd, SCREW VEGETABLES, SCREW THIS WEIGHT LOSS THING, I WANT TO EAT 2 HOT N' SPICY CHICKEN SANDWHICHES FROM MCDONALDS AND I WANT THEM NOW. haha! you guys all know how the story goes. I am definitely the queen of giving up when I have had even the slightest set back. but i am going to be truthful and honest. I am going to eat my McDonald's... hell, I am eating it right now. BUT, this isn't going to ruin my diet. Not this time. I am to remember. Two steps forward, one step back. Right?

The Friday Night Ritual

2007-02-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

So this morning I weighed in at 257 lbs. That makes a total loss of 16 lbs since January 2nd, 2007. WHOO... hoo? I don't feel very excited or proud. I know that I am doing very well, but I feel so impatient. I cannot help but remind myself of the fact that I have soooo far to go. I just want to be at the top of my healthy weight range (141 lbs.) 116 pounds to go. It seems so unattainable. But I know that I have to be patient.

I am never going to wake up one morning and *POOF* just be thin. I have to start somewhere. And if not today, then when? It has to be today. I keep reminding myself of that. I used to spend my days splurging on meaty breakfast burritos, greasy tacos and pizza, fried chicken wings and chocolate galore. I ate those things everyday, telling myself that I should scarf down everything I love today because tomorrow, I was going on a diet and I wouldn’t be able to eat my favorite foods.

I am trying to change that. Now I am eating the things I love, but working them into my recommended daily calorie intake. I have been doing pretty well. However, there are a few things I have had to cut out completely because I have absolutely no control once I start eating them. For instance, I have resorted to eating fat-free chocolate pudding to calm a sugar-craving because I am not able to eat just a small piece of actual chocolate without freaking out and eating a shitload of it. And pizza & wings… ahhh my beloved pizza & wings… I have given those up all together.

About 6 months ago, I used to go home from work every Friday night and partake in what I consider to be the most self-destructive behavior that I have ever possessed (other that doing drugs.) My boyfriend went out with his friends a lot more then so I was left alone in the apartment most of the weekend. I would order a large pan pizza from Pizza Hut with pepperoni, sausage, onion, and green peppers and an order of Spicy BBQ wings (the breaded kind.) I would eat about 6 or 7 pieces of the pizza and ALL 10 of the wings, then wash it all down with a 6-pack of Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. After my stomach settled a bit I would go to Dona Maria’s, an elderly woman living on the 1st floor of our apartment complex who sold candy, chips, soda and other snacks out of her living room. I would buy a combination of 2 chocolate bars murmuring to Maria that “Uno es para mi esposo. Tu sabes como le encanta su chocolate!” (One is for my husband. You know how he loves his chocolate!) :: BIG FAT LIE :: My favorite combination was a Snicker and a Twix. Yep. Together.

So I would eat all of that, then the guilt and excuses and explanations would follow. I obviously felt an extreme amount of guilt after my little ritual, but I excused my behavior my reminding myself how hard I worked all week. Then, I made the famous, “Hey, at least it’s not drugs!” excuse. I told myself that a lot after I became sober, excusing my repulsive eating habits. Then, I would have to explain to my boyfriend what I had just done. So to avoid having to explain myself, I would make a secret trip out to the dumpster to get rid of the evidence. I would toss the candy wrappers, the empty beer bottles, and the box for the chicken wings. I would just leave the pizza box but tell my boyfriend that I had a girl friend over and we both ate. These little fibs are the root of why he never really noticed all of the weight that I have gained over the past year. He just feels so proud that I have not done drugs in over a year that he rarely puts time or attention into the fact that I gained 87 pounds.

So THAT is why I am trying to not do any secret eating or eating alone. It’s just bad news. Once I began to eat healthier, I learned that in my little Friday-dinner-ritual alone, I consumed 5,256 calories and 203 grams of fat. All in about an hour. Don’t even get me started on what I ate the rest of the week…

I can't just have ONE slice!

2007-01-31T15:17:00.000-08:00

We are doing this little contest at my work to see who can lose the most percentage of their body weight in 13 weeks. We weigh in once a week (on Friday's) for a $5 fee... and we paid a $20 "sign-up fee" SOOO whoever wins this thing is going to take home over $1,000 since there are 12 or so of us competing.

I happen to be in 2nd place after last weeks weigh in. But, before I get too excited about that, I must account for the fact that I celebrated the 5% loss of my body weight by going out for a 3-course meal and a margarita on Saturday. JOY! Could I be any fucking stupider?

So, after inhaling 3,651 calories on Saturday, then wallowing in an "i-ate-too-much-yesterday" depression by sucking down another 2,648 calories on Sunday- after all of that, I have to be super careful of what I eat this whole week in order to not go down in the rankings.

So, of course, given my situation, my co-workers feel the need to offer me gourmet chocolates, leave giant jars of jelly beans (RIGHT ON MY DESK,) put out a basket of fun-size M&M's in reception and then top it all off by ordering pizza for the whole staff.

ARE THESE BASTARDS TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND???????

Well don't worry. I did not fall for the temptations.. except for a tinsy-winsy little bag of fun-size M&M's. Which only added a measly 100 calories to my day. All in all, I am pretty proud.

Lame-ass Introduction

2007-01-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

So you are about to read my lame-ass introduction to this blog in which I will tell you far too much, far too quickly:

I am an addict. To just about everything there is out there that gives a person that *warm happy* feeling inside. And I mean everything. Food. Drugs. Men. Music. Alcohol. Everything. In my lifetime, I have been very overweight. And the only times that I was not overweight, I was using methamphetamines to lose weight. I have lost everything due to my addictions. Including my own son. However, I have now been drug-free for one year and I have completely turned my life around. BUT, with my sobriety came some serious weight gain, and in this past year I have gone from 186 lbs. to 273 lbs. So... this is going to be my story of my attempt to lose weight. The right way this time.